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How to persuade people (and get bigger tips)

We all, at times, need to persuade others. Maybe it's convincing your family to eat healthier, a friend to help you move, or your weird aunt to lend you money. What does science say about changing minds?

Sometimes, Jedi mind tricks work. (Not this time.)

How Do I Convince Someone?

One of the most boastful con-men was Victor Lustig who, among other scams, sold the Eiffel Tower to scrap-metal dealers, multiple times. Among his ten rules for swindlers: "Never boast," and "Never pry into a person’s personal circumstances (they’ll tell you all eventually)."

His advice didn't work for long (Lustig died in prison). But there's a better tactic: Don't try to change someone's mind. Instead, change their identity.

In experiments, people who were told "please don't cheat" still cheated. But when they were told "please don't be a cheater," they became much more honest — even when a swindle was tantalizingly easy. Similarly, asking kids "can you be a helper?" is more effective than asking "can you help?"

Why? Because when we offer someone a better version of themselves, they start doing the persuading for us. ("Of course I want to be a helper! I'm amazing!")

Similarly, telling eighth-graders about the health risks of fast food changed nothing. But revealing how food companies manipulate kids — and framing healthy eating as a way to rebel against controlling adults — got them to consume less soda, chips and cookies. ("I'm the kind of revolutionary who fights McDonald's! FREEDOM!!!!")

We can also use the Fear Of Missing Out. Texting reminders to get a flu shot is ineffective. But sending a text saying 'a flu vaccine has been reserved for you, but we'll have to give it to someone else soon' gets people into the pharmacy — because no one wants to be the sucker who misses a giveaway.

But what about asking for something big, like borrowing money, or a big tip?

For really big asks, the key is to help someone see you as a real person.

Sometimes, it's as simple as giving people a reason: When people ask to cut in line — "can I go first?" — they get rebuffed. But when they provide a reason, even a dumb one — "can I go first? My soap opera starts soon!" — it works over 90% of the time. This tactic will also get you discounts — "can I pay less? my mom's birthday is in five months!" — shockingly works 40% of the time.

Or take borrowing money: When loan requests include personal stories, they're more successful. (Narratives that emphasize trustworthiness and hard work ("I want to build a piano for my church") are particularly effective.) Unfortunately, those same stories — especially ones that mention God — indicate a borrower is twice as likely to never pay you back.

Tipping works the same way: When servers make themselves more human by telling jokes ("state law requires I drop off this dessert menu"), complimenting an order ("that steak looks really yummy!") or dropping off candy with the check ("I love these chocolates so I brought you a few"), their tips go up. (What has no impact on tip size? The quality of the service.)

(For more on tips, I recommend the fascinating Reddit thread r/ServerLife, with advice like "older men who look quiet and mean are usually the best tippers.")

Terrorists, it turns out, are terrible at spelling.

But what about persuading my family or my co-workers?

When you're persuading someone who knows you well, skip the big gestures. Small, daily rewards work better.

Take convincing a family member to go to rehab. Dramatic 'interventions' are usually ineffective. (Though, John Mulaney's intervention sounds pretty entertaining.)

What works? The CRAFT method: reward people when they're sober (rather than nagging them when they're drunk), let them feel the consequences of their choices (rather than cleaning up their mess), and have lots of small, supportive conversations. (There's videos on this 'anti-tough love' approach.)

If you want your spouse to exercise more, lose weight or quit smoking, the most powerful step is to do it yourself. Then share your progress ("I lost two pounds last week!") without commenting on their behavior. (The same goes for reproduction: when a friend has a baby, your odds of pregnancy go up.)

If you want to influence a co-worker, send them a thank-you note. Even better, make it public: In one experiment, giving thank-you cards to everyone increased output by 5.2%. Giving cards to just the top three workers increased the group's output by 7.3% (mostly because everyone else wanted to prove they were just as productive as those jerks.)

If you want to persuade a friend, do them a small favor — like bringing them a drink, unasked — before making your request. The favor should be small enough it doesn't feel like a quid-pro-quo, but genuinely thoughtful. ("I got you a coffee! Can I borrow your car for a week?")

Finally, if you want to win someone over, ask them for a favor. When Benjamin Franklin wanted to befriend rivals, he asked to borrow a rare book. Franklin returned it a week latter with a warm thank you note, and the rivals figured they must be friends. (This has become known as "The Ben Franklin Effect".)

When's the last time you persuaded someone? How'd you do it? Let me know in the comments!