Now, onto the fun stuff.
Reader Caitlin S. writes:
I have two teenagers at home, and I’m struggling to make conversation with them. If I ask about their days, I get one-word answers. If I ask about their social lives, I’m accused of being nosy. I just want a normal conversation around the dinner table. Help!
As one study put it, “the most important factor in the mental health of adolescent children is the quality of the relationship with their caregivers,” and, in particular, the conversations they have with us.
So what does science say about how to connect?
The key is to help your child share control of the conversation.
Tip One: Let them be experts
As parents, our instinct is to teach: We offer instructions (“flash cards will help you study!”) ask leading questions (“what lesson did we learn from locking ourself outside?”) and share knowledge (“when I was trying to make friends in middle school …”)
We are experts, and we want our kids to benefit from our expertise.
But when we let kids become experts, they learn how to think – and are more likely to share.
Asking “What do you admire about your friends?” rather than “What did you do with your friends?” invites them to share their social expertise. Instead of recommending study methods, if we ask “What kind of studying worked last time?” we help them become experts on solving their own problems.
Asking questions is key – as long as they are curious and you embrace the answers (even when they don’t match what you expected).
Tip Two: Prove you are listening (but that there are also rules)
Our kids are suspicious we’re not actually listening – rather, we’re just waiting our turn to speak.
So it’s essential that we prove we are listening (one of my favorite methods is looping for understanding:Ask a question; repeat back in your own words what you heard; ask if you got it right.)
But listening isn’t enough. Numerous studies show that our children want us to act like parents, not friends – to be both warm and responsive, but also explain life’s rules, push them to grow, give a little tough love when it’s needed.
So how do we balance listening and nudging?
The best way is to seek permission, and then talk about our own experiences.
Once you’ve looped your kid (“what I hear you saying is that Sam doesn’t act like a great friend, did I get that right?”) it’s useful to ask permission to instruct (“can I share something that happened to me in high school?”).
The key here is, in addition to letting your kid be an expert, you should share your own experiences, rather than just general lessons – and when you seek permission first, they’re more likely to listen than see it as a lecture.
Tip Three: Don’t listen too much (especially when they say they hate you)
It’s hard being a kid. It’s also hard parenting! (I have two teens at home.) So when they tell you that they hate you, you are ruining their lives, and they will never speak to you again, just recall: They won’t even remember saying it 30 minutes later.