This is a newsletter about the science of living better, by the author of The Power of Habit and Supercommunicators. It's a brief newsletter with advice, rooted in science, that helps us all get a little better at life.
Happy Valentine's Day! (Here's how researchers say to celebrate.)
It's February 14th, which means half the nation is scrambling to make dinner reservations, and the other half is wondering why there's nothing at the movie theater besides "Wuthering Heights". (Spoiler alert: they get busy.)
Luckily, science has tips on how to bring romance to our everyday lives — whether we're coupled or single, and even if we don't dress in corsets and pantaloons.
Seven-year-olds, when writing Valentine's Day cards, like to keep things edgy.
Valentine's Day and kissing have weird origins — but both work because they encourage 'savoring'.
Valentine’s Day might seem sweet, but its roots are surprisingly dark: Historians trace the holiday to Lupercalia, an ancient Roman festival involving animal sacrifice, where men wore fresh hides to demonstrate their (very smelly) verility. The holiday’s name comes from St. Valentine, who was beaten to death and then decapitated. So, it makes sense that we now celebrate with chocolates and flirting.
Kissing, thankfully, has cheerier origins: All sorts of animals kiss, and researchers believe it evolved from early caregiving behaviors, like breastfeeding, and persists because getting face-to-face provides valuable clues about a potential mate's health (bad breath?) and empathy/aggression (is he a soft kisser?)
But most important, and the reason kissing and dates are fun is because of what psychologists refer to as 'anticipation' and 'savoring'. Researchers distinguish between 'proactive savoring' (leaning in to initiate a kiss) and 'reactive savoring' (kissing back, and slowing down to make it last). Romance occurs when we experience excited/anxious anticipation and then both kinds of savoring: So if you work up the courage to go for a smooch, and are hoping for fireworks, take it slow when they respond.
Have you ever dated a microbiologist?
But what if I'm single on Valentine's Day? (Actually, that's a good thing!)
It's great to be single on Valentine's Day. In fact, we more likely to find a meaningful sense of romance when we're feeling independent.
Researchers have found that single people experience just as much love and passion in their daily lives as couples. In one experiment, volunteers at a retirement home asked residents about their love lives. For retirees, recalling past flings was as satisfying as a new liaison. More important, volunteers found that listening to romantic stories — whether the listener was single or in a relationship — satisfied their passion needs (and made them feel wonderful) more than a date. (Rom-coms can do the same thing.) Why? Because when we're in control of our emotions, it's easier to give them free rein. Independence lets us swoon even deeper.
So, why not engage in a little self love? One study found that writing a compassionate letter to your future self — or a platonic friend — offers benefits that last for months. If you're more into e-mail, you can use FutureMe.org.
And, of course, some varieties of self love are especially easy and satisfying — and less time consuming than dinner and a movie.
Valentine's Day photos slay.
Okay, but I've been married for an eternity. What should I do to keep the spark alive?
Give your brains goal-directednovelty.
In 2005, researchers examined the brains of people in new relationships and found that simply viewing a partner’s face activated dopamine-rich motivation circuits — the same regions involved in goal pursuit. Early love isn’t really an emotion. It’s a drive, a form of focused attention and shared goals that excite us to act because they're new.
Over time, these motivations fade. (Your lovers face, alas, just becomes a face.) But the spark is re-ignited when we encounter something that triggers a fresh sense of focused attention, shared goals and excitement. (That's why you are friskier on an exciting trip.) So, find a new hobby (anyone for a kissing class?) Or slip an unexpected candy bar into their coat pocket. As we get older, we're just as likely to fall (and stay) in love as youngsters — as long as we're doing something new.
This is a newsletter about the science of living better, by the author of The Power of Habit and Supercommunicators. It's a brief newsletter with advice, rooted in science, that helps us all get a little better at life.
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